still coping

how are you coping post-election? what are you doing? the start of wednesday was rough. i sat down to try and resume making jewelry (holiday orders!) but it's very challenging to make small things with tears in your eyes/out of focus. also, you guys don't deserve that energy on your jewelry. i moved onto an ugly paperwork pile/excel file that didn't require much of my thought. i waited for what seemed like forever to hear hillary's speech to start. listened to her + cried. listened to obama + cried. chuckled at joe biden. i read + saw things on social media. that was ok. solidarity. but my takeaway is that we're all processing it differently. on our time. in our own way. and isn't that obvious? i don't want to read anymore chiding of each other "to do it this way" and "get over it + stand up". i'm so happy for you to stand up so quickly. i've had that in moments too + it felt exhilarating to be back up there. i came back down pretty quickly. please know, you might fall down again + that's ok. no judgement. just move though it.

there were unexpected beautiful parts. and isn't that the stuff of life? i came upstairs in the morning + was almost surprised to see the bright sun. so stupid but true. later in my quite-ness i could hear the sound of children playing. it's odd, but i've never enjoyed the sound of children playing (it always seems to be loud screaming? haa). i say it's odd because i very much want children. those little voices helped. the check-ins from family + friends. the amount of i love you's + then realizing that was happening on a huge scale with others made my heart swell. later jon + i walked downtown to the protest. we needed people. we watched. we read signs. we marched + yelled stuff. i cried again when i saw a group of senior women marching together. wondering how many times have they done this? so sorry this didn't happen for them. again. jon + i walked back. had friend chicken sandwiches + ginger beers. comfort food. when we got home we got into a hilarious conversation with friends. i actually belly laughed + was so shocked while it was happening. small. little beautiful moments filled me back up. we put on a documentary about house cats + fell asleep to it.

yesterday was back to a normal work schedule. so thankful for that. i struggled a bit because i'm used to streaming NPR, but i can't listen to the analyzation just yet. i typed in "light jazz" to spotify. lol. my usual spotify list is kendrick lamar. but i can't hear the truth right now. eventually i settled on a playlist called "lush vibes". another lol. later on that evening i met a friend at a winona laduke lecture. an economist/environmentalist/native american rights writer + activist. one of my thoughts that has settled in after a couple days of thinking is that i want to seek the knowledge of wise women. i want to sit at their feet and learn. i want to fill my tank back up so i can turn around + have more to give. because i'm feeling pretty drained. and that's ok. 

i'm thankful that i'm seeing these words more often now: healing, listening, loving, togetherness. my very dear friend shared this buddhist teaching very early on wednesday morning when the grief was so heavy: hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. i'm doing my best to keep centering around those words. even after i called him president elect human garbage fire. i'm working on it.

hope you're doing ok. hope you're finding your ways. hope you're nice to yourself + others.